Animal Totems

Recently, the bear has become in icon of the gay community. The animal is an archetype for big hairy bearded cuddly men. Guys have experienced a boost in self-esteem by being able to identify with a strong animal. Other men who aren't so congruent to the bear type have claimed "wolf" or "otter", and there's even a group of "billy-goats" in San Francisco.

So why not explore other potential totem animals. Self-identified lesbian penguins, are former nuns or just have convent fantasies -- they dress up in habits and wimples and give each other juicy rosary jobs (see John Waters' Multiple Maniacs.) They take on the physical traits of the flightless bird, waddling around, balancing eggs on their feet.

Anorexic gay flamingoes stand around on one leg, craning (if that's not a mixed metaphor) their necks, preening, dressed in vibrant pink. Instead of the bears' verbal salute to a hunky comrade -- "woof!" -- they let out a flamingo squawk when they spot a prime specimen. Their homes sport not only rainbow flags but also plastic flamingoes on the lawn. If you're flaming, consider joining the flamingo club.

Lesbian pussies love to lick each other, giving luxurious tongue-baths. Some like to cross-dress as tomboy tomcats. They love to purr as they snuggle, but when they get in a fight, they snarl, hiss, and claw each other.

Gay owls wear coke-bottle glasses and are given to swiveling their heads around. Their signature call is a resonant "who, who" or an exuberant hoot. Gay screech owls are the nelly ones of this bunch. They enjoy kinky scenes with mice-identified fags.

Dyke dolphins do it in the water, blowing air in each other's holes. They're the ones who buy those dildoes in the shape of porpoises. They watch reruns of flipper as a form of foreplay.

Gay squirrels are chattering nervously about their fondness for nuts. Not only do they like the ones that grow on trees, but also they appreciate testicles. They like to compete to try to stuff large nuts in their cheek pouches. Even though this activity may be painful for the participants, any logic is overridden by the need to identify with the totem animal.


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